You'd better sit down.

That's what I'd like to say first of all. The good thing is that you probably already are as most computers aren't at standing height.

I don't know why I'm making lame jokes, it's not like its going to make this any easier. Yeah, it's one of those posts, but the good news is that it's the last.

I don't really know where to start, and I'm sorry because I'm not trying to drag this out. I've thought about writing each of you an email and telling you seperately but I think it would be too hard. Plus I'd like for all of you to get this at the same time. I know it's going to be hard reading this and thinking that I didn't even have the decency to tell you in person but I can't right now. It's too hard and by the end of this most of you won't want to talk to me anyway and that's okay.

I also realize that no matter how I say this people are going to be very upset and angry and defensive and they're not going to understand. That's okay too. You don't have to understand. I do.

Two years ago my entire world fell apart. I lost my faith in God, in people, in everything. I lost my home, my place in the world and ever since then I've been drifting. I thought maybe I could start over. Maybe I could go to school and make a new life for myself. Maybe I could go home and reconnect with my family somehow. I failed. I ended up working part time at Target after skipping so many classes that I had to withdrawl and my family were just as distant from me as they were when I lived in another state. It was so hard letting people in when I'd been hurt so badly before that I didn't even try. I spent most of my time on the internet and then one day I stumbled on rping.

It's just a game right? Just a way to pass the time. Just a way to connect with someone on some level and feel like I was actually wanted or talented and good at something. I sure as hell was failing at life. It was nice to succeed at something. My family became even more distant, mostly because I'd rather be online than talking to them or going out or doing anything. I know, I know, I sound like I'm standing up at an AA meeting or something. I don't know how else to explain this. RPing has changed my life. I've met so many people and have been introduced to so many new things because of it that I can't even start to begin describing it or even try. No matter what I'm doing or where I'm at it's always there at the back of my mind. I've got these stories going through my mind, these voices of characters demanding to be transcribed and the first thing I do every morning and the last thing I do every night is check my inbox to see where the story is taking me. It's great, it's wonderful and for a long time it's been about the only thing I look forward to.

But I need more right now. It's been my way of hiding from the world, of keeping busy and telling myself that I'm okay even when I'm not. I thought if I shut everything out that maybe I couldn't get hurt again. But you see the hurt, it never stops coming. In the last year I've had to handle good friends going to jail, suicides, the loss of a job and an overwhelming feeling that I did something horrible to deserve all this. This is more than just about rping. It's about me. I'm miserable. I'm everything I hate. I cry everyday. I'm unhappy and I feel empty. I feel as if everything I touch falls apart. I'm a loser, I'm a failure, I'm a fool, I'm stupid and I have nothing to offer the world except that sometimes I can make other people by pretending I'm someone I'm not.

I'm about to turn twenty four. That's old to some of you and young to others. I never thought I'd be here at twenty four. Alot of you know that I always have these grand plans and never the follow through. I hate that I've become so weak and willing to please. I would do anything for any of you if I thought that's what you wanted me to do. I'm pathetic and sad. It's not out of love that I'd do those things, even though I do love you, but because I need to believe that someone out there loves me back. Even though we've never met you mean so much to me. Too much. I'm not saying that you can love someone too much. But for who we are and what we do I center my whole world around you and that's wrong. I haven't had an original thought or opinion in ages. Have you noticed how I always agree with you? How I'll do anything to avoid an argument? How much of a suck up I am? Because I need you in a way that you don't need me. I've come to depend on all of you to tell me who I am and what you want me to be.

I know, it's crazy. It is. And I have to stop.

I've become the kind of person who tells other people what I think they want to hear when I used to be able to be honest and true. I make so many promises that there's no way I can keep all of them. My word means nothing because I've gone back on it so many times. I'd like to think that I'm all that's standing between you and being miserable because that's what all of you have been for me for so long, but I know that's not true. While I don't doubt the sincerity that alot of you see me as a friend I have to be honest and tell you that I am not the kind of friend you want. I'd like to be. I will be. But then it won't be my decision any more but yours.

I'm quitting all my games because I need to be control of my life for the first time in ages. I can't do that when there's this temptation to run away for a while. I know it sounds stupid and I know alot of you can handle running your lives and rping just for fun. I'm not one of those people. "It's just a game". How many times have I told you guys that? "RL comes first." I believed that I thought that too, but it's hit me how much that isn't true for me. It's more than just a game to me. It's a way to hide and not have to think about the fact that I'm going nowhere or that I can't seem to do anything right.

It occured to me Wednesday that I haven't been able to do anything right because I'm not doing the right things. I'm not doing anything. I'm a failure in the laziest sense because I don't even try to make things work. I've been living here for two years and you know how many friends I've made? One. I don't even know who I am anymore. I wish you could have known me before. I was something. I used to be able to be honest with people. I used to be able to genuinely care and say the right thing and be there for people. I was the one people used to lean on, not the the person who leaned on everyone else.

I'd like to find that girl again. And I know what I have to do to get there. And it starts with this. You have no idea how hard this is for me. Don't think that all of this meant nothing to me. It has meant everything to me and that's the problem. I wish I could wait until after storlines were developed and played out. Meg, Lori, Chris, and Jenna...I am so so so sorry. I know that you're going to be hurt and disappointed and angry. I know that I've wasted your time in a way that I can't ever take back or make up for. I know I've tricked you into thinking that you need me and that you're going to feel real loss when these stories won't come to fruitation. I know how many hours we've spent talking and planning and I'm so sorry. I can't wait though. I wish I could be as strong as you Lori, but I can't. If I don't do it now I won't ever do it. If I don't hit the post button on this entry in the next five minutes and walk far, far, far away I'm never going to and things are going to get worse.

I've never been this low before. I've never seen so clearly what I need to do. Call it a half life crises or whatever, but I can't compromise. I have to stop stalling. I know alot of you won't understand. I know you think I'm giving up, but I'm not. I'm going to stop running from myself and my past and I can't do that when pretending is so easy.

I'm sorry. This isn't a cry for help or attention. Even though we say it's just a game, I know alot of you will be hurt, or think that I'm belittling you. I'm not. I wish I could tell you how much you've helped me. You've gotten me through this period in my life and I will always be so thankful to you for that. You have every right to be angry and frustrated and if you want to give me a piece of your mind, go for it. If it makes you feel better to hate me, do it. I'm not saying that I don't care how you feel, but I can't let it determine what I do anymore. I have to do this for me and you either get that or you don't.

I'm not writing everyone off. Though I understand if you want to write me off. This is a horrible thing to do to everyone else, but for me it's the first thing that I've done right in a very long time. I'm sorry that your games will be inturrupted, and maybe even ruined by this. I'm sorry that you might feel as if I was never the person you thought I was. I'm sorry if you're going to miss what I brought to the characters. But I seriously feel as if my life is at stake. Life, living, making something out of myself.

It's not going to happen if I don't move now. If I don't make myself stop looking to other people for answers and instructions and stop distancing myself from everything in the hopes that I won't be hurt again. Thank you for being there for me in ways you'll never understand. Someday I'd like to be there for you, but I won't be able to do that until I'm grounded again.

I'm sorry. This isn't the end of the world though, just the beginning of a new one.

I screeened the comments because alot of them were personal. Thank you everyone for understanding.

Current Mood: calm

Because I should be posting at sunny_dale but instead I am doing this. Taken from hawkseye, meretrixa, cookiexdough and whoever else I might not have gotten to before I broke down and did it myself.

I'm so weak!

1. Pick 20 movies that are ones that you have special feelings about.
2. Pick a few lines of dialogue that mean something to you.
3. As people guess the film, strike out that entry.
4. If possible, after the film is guessed, explain why that movie made the list.

( Quotes )

If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, and whom you would not have met without the Internet, post this sentence in your journal.

( To my friend Chris )

I'm off to watch Angels in America as it's been reccommended to the highest degree. Not the entire six hour saga of course, but about an hour or so. After that I shall return and will immerse myself in the greatness that is priori_incanti.

I might make a couple more Buffy posts tonight, but for the most part I'm caught up on my games. I'll probably be around if anyone feels like chatting, but I can't promise that I won't be distracted. Everyone knows how bad I am at multitasking.

I feel so much better that I've lightened my load.

Things are so much fun now!

Love you my babies!

<3 Aud

PS. I have no idea where the babies thing came from, I couldn't help myself.

I know! I know!

I never write anything substantial.

And I'm not about to start today. I just had to show off some icons I've been working on. I've decided to make icons on an episode by episode basis. So these are from The Harvest, as I couldn't find any good screencaps to Welcome to the Hellmouth.

Caps were found at Excessive Not Studying as site of the Freeze Frame Network. Brushes were obtained off of 100x100_brushes. A detailed list of sources is in my userinfo.

- Please comment if you take one
- Please credit speak_low in your keywords
- Please don't hotlink
- Please buy me Angel S1 for Christmas. What? It was worth a try.


1. 2. 3. 4.
5. 6. 7. 8.
9. 10.

They look so young! I think #5 is my favorite. It has that old horror movie poster feel to it. I also really like #8 & 9, which why there are two of the same icon but with different text. I couldn't decide which one I liked better.

I'm not completely done with the episode yet, I just ran ut of time. So more might be coming from this episode.

Okay now I'm off to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow so that I and some of my co-workers can decorate another coworker's desk in as much gaudy christmas decorations as we can stand. I can't wait to see his face when he walks in and his desk is buried under yards of garland.

Classic.

Current Mood: creative

Okay, this is probably going to be full of cliche's and contrived situations, but since I'm the kind of girl who completely loves those kind of cliches and contrived situations I'm alright with that.

So here's something new. Fic by yours truly, just in time for the Holdays.

Home for the Holidays

Summary: There are few things a slayer fears. Vampires, demons, Hellmouths, all that is manageable. Put them in a house full of family members, good intentions and a little white lie and it turns out that a Chosen One can be just as weak as the rest of us.

A/N: This would be the first Christmas following the destruction of Sunnydale. The Scoobies and Slayerettes are in Cleveland taking on the newest Hellmouth and training the Slayers as they're discovered. This is part one. I have no clue how many parts there will/should be. I'm taking it as it comes.

( Part One )

Current Mood: accomplished

Shameless pimpage!

I am a total Xander lover. Which automatically makes me a Caleb hater.

Actually if you like any of the good guys on Buffy you'd hate Caleb as he's a total tool.

Which is why it's so amazing that I can like a piece about him this freaking much. But I do. I love this piece just because it paints him as a boy and gives you some why with a side of how. I held my breath while I read the second part and so of course I had to recommend it to my friends.

Time of the Preacher by bible_beater

Go read it!

Gah, when I said I was doing the avoidy thing I didn't mean that I'd log into AIM just to ignore everyone. The downstairs computer was restarted randomly and my name was set to auto-login. So who knows how long I've been there without being there. So to anyone who left me a message. Sorry I missed it!

I will be back tonight. I have a ton of catching up to do, so I might try to make some headway in that department before I log into AIM. But it's Friday, so I've got all night if I need it.

Thanks for understanding. Love you guys. <3

Current Mood: blah

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am alive but that I probably won't be around much until Wednesday. I have to work tonight and tomorrow to close at Target so that means when I get home it will be bedtime for me.

I am very, very, very sorry to the comms that I've held up being MIA lately. I will be catching up. However feel free to use any of my characters in any of the comms in an effort to move things along. I don't mind. And Wed - Fri I will try to catch up.

Love you guys! Again, sorry I haven't been around.

<3 Aud